I Hate Myself For Losing You
by you.just.got.STORMed
Summary: Set during New Moon, in the Lost Months after Edward left. Slightly morbid, that's why it's rated T. Please review and leave your thoughts! It would be much appreciated! Set to Kelly Clarkson's song of the same title. Different tone to song though.


**_A/N: Another songfic from me. I was listening to Kelly Clarkson and just thought, wow, that is totally like how Bella felt when Edward left!! An awesome song, you should definitely listen to it._**

**_-Ad break- Check out RedAppleTwilighter's story 'The Letters She Kept, Sealed With a Kiss' it's a great story so far... but I'm the only one reviewing! I promised her that I would recommend more people to the story. So I'm doing it, lol! It IS a Twilight fanfic, I forgot to say that._**

**_Okay, so the fic is set during New Moon, after Edward has left, maybe in one of those unwritten months? December, perhaps. But yeah. _**

**_I'm not sure whether this will just be a oneshot or what, I may continue it as a series of songfics describing Bella's feelings throughout New Moon. But yeah. Or it might be a series of songfics forming a story. You never know. It depends on what reviews say! =)_**

**_DISCLAIMERS: Any characters that you recognise are Stephenie Meyer's. If she feels like giving them to me, well, that would be welcomed :P (My birthday's in 4 months SMeyer!!)_**

**_The song, 'I Hate Myself For Losing You', is sung by Kelly Clarkson. No idea who it's written by and no idea what album, sorry._**

**_On with the songfic!_**

Life without _him_ wasn't life at all.

_I woke up today  
Woke up wide awake  
In an empty bed  
Staring at an empty room  
I have myself to blame  
For the state I'm in today  
And now dying  
Doesn't seem so cruel  
And oh, I don't know what to say  
And I don't know anyway  
Anymore_

A few months ago, I would have woken up to cold, marble arms wrapped around me. Or maybe the certain cold person in question sitting in my rocking chair, watching me sleep.

Today, the past few months, had been completely different.

My life had formed into a sort of ritual, a ritual I performed because I had to, not because I wanted to. For Charlie. For Renee.

Every morning, I would get up, get ready for school mechanically and leave. I didn't bother with breakfast anymore. Eating seemed pointless. I only cooked for Charlie, and only ate when he made worried remarks to me, or made murmurs about taking me to a doctor.

I knew I was thinner, I knew I was a mere shadow of my former self. But I also knew that a doctor would not help. Besides, doctors presented harsh memories for me. Memories of him, of his 'father', of his family, of my happy times with him...

No. Don't go there.

That's what I tell myself everytime I start thinking these sort of thoughts.

I think I have blocked everything pretty well. I don't think I'm fooling Charlie very well though. He worried constantly, even though I tried to be normal.

I couldn't be normal though. Not with what I knew. Not with what had happened.

And I knew Charlie blamed _him_ for what I had become.

I didn't. Nothing was his fault. He was perfect, I was not. It wasn't his fault. It was mine. All mine.

I lived with these thoughts every day. They are hard to ignore, no one could distract me from them.

It was hard to live. It was hard to be bothered.

I slid out of bed this morning, my ritual the same as ever. I walked into the bathroom and stepped into the shower slowly. It was as if I had an old injury, one I didn't want to jerk because then it would hurt. A lot.

After scrubbing myself and my hair, and letting the warm water cascade down my back, I wrapped a towel around myself and got out.

The same as yesterday. The same as the day before. The same as every day in the past few months.

I walked back into my room to dress, pulling on any random articles of clothing.

I never cared what I wore. Alice may have been a fashion queen, but I was not. Anything did. As long as it covered the scar on my wrist.

The scar that shot memories at me like bullets.

The scar that was icy cold, my rememberance of his skin.

I wandered back into the bathroom to do my hair. Or brush it at least. It never mattered to me what I looked like. These days, at least.

_I hate myself for losing you  
I'm seeing it all so clear  
I hate myself for losing you  
What do you do when you look in the mirror  
And staring at you is why he's not here?_

I stared into the mirror at my face, dangerously remembering a time when my face had not been thin. My eyes had not sat in sunken hollows, my lips had been pink and full, my hair shiny and luscious.

_Don't_, I told myself firmly. It would only hurt more, only open my old wound.

But somehow, today, I couldn't stop.

As I stared into the mirror, I realised that I was right. It was all my fault.

It was my fault that _Edward_- I forced the name out _-_ was not here. My fault, because I was a weak, flimsy, disgusting, ugly human. My fault because he had always been perfect and I had always been a Plain Jane.

My fault because I had dared to think that such a godlike creature could ever care for me.

My fault because I had dared to hope.

The tears finally spilled over. The tears that had been held in for month.

_You got what you deserved  
Hope you're happy now  
'Cause everytime I think of her with you  
It's killing me  
Inside, and  
Now I dread each day  
Knowing that I can't be saved  
From the loneliness  
Of living without you  
And, oh  
I don't know what to do  
Not sure that I'll pull through  
I wish you knew_

My mind opened like a floodgate. My memories flooded in, ones that I didn't want there, ones that hurt.

_Distractions,_ he had said. I remembered his talk of a strawberry blonde, Tanya, of the Denali clan. Was she one of his 'distractions'?

Probably. I could only imagine what they would be doing now.

My gorgeous Adonis, sitting with Tanya, perhaps going hunting with her? Maybe taking her out for dinner, holding her hand... Kissing her?

He probably preferred her to me, anyway. There would be no strain to being around her, no burn of hunger.

Just pleasure.

_I hate myself for losing you  
I'm seeing it all so clear  
I hate myself for losing you  
What do you do when you look in the mirror  
And staring at you is why he's not here?_

My reflection now showed me a face with red rimmed eyes, tear streaks running down the cheeks, overflowing eyes.

And I hated it.

I hated myself.

I hated my looks, my personality.

I hated it all. I hated my whole self.

I had driven Edward away, I hadn't been enough to keep him.

In desperation, I clawed at my mirrored reflection, I punched the me in the nose as hard as I could. I began smacking my reflection with my hairbrush, until the mirror finally shattered.

Glass shards scattered into my hair, a few embedded into my hands.

I was too hysterical to feel the pain.

My reflection lay on the sink, on the floor, in pieces.

My urge to hurt myself intensified; I began clawing at my real face. The blood on my fingernails pleased me- a kind of punishment. It dripped down my face and all over my clothes.

_I hate myself for losing you  
And oh, I don't know what to do  
I wish you knew  
And oh, I don't know what to say  
And I don't know anyway  
Anymore  
No, no_

I was lost, I would never ever be the same again. I couldn't be.

My face scratched and duly punished, I gave the same treatment to my arms.

I was beyond physical pain. I was beyond thinking of how Charlie would react.

I was beyond anything.

I was swirling in a void, my emotions spinning around me.

And one name repeating over and over again.

_Edward. Edward. Edward._

I closed my eyes, conjuring up an image of my love.

My one and only love. Who I had loved, who I always would love, and who had caused me never to love again.

I forced myself to think of the moment he said that he didn't love me, the moment that his eyes froze and the moment that I knew I would never find happiness again. The moment that Edward left.

I could see it so clearly, so vividly. I was reliving the pain, the everything.

Punishment. Justice. Revenge against myself.

I would never get Edward back. I would never find happiness. I would never, ever love again.

I would become a frozen, emotionless robot.

I would be alone.

I would hate myself until I died, and if there was an afterlife, for all eternity.

And I would never see my love, my Edward, ever again.

_I hate myself for losing you  
(I'm seeing it all so clear)  
I'm seeing it all so clear  
I hate myself for losing you  
What do you do when you look in the mirror  
And staring at you is why he's not here?  
What do you say when everything's said?  
Is the reason why he left you in the end?  
How do you cry when every tear you shed  
Won't ever bring him back again?  
I hate myself for loving you_

I was thinking and remembering everything at once, the moment he left, the pain, the hurt, the people trying to comfort me, his cold expression, his arms around me, his cold lips moving in synchronisation with mine...

The wild, unorderly thoughts in my head finally swirled to one, coherent sentence.

"I hate myself for losing you," I whispered softly. The shock of my morning, my pain and my self hatred hit me and I slid down the wall to sit onto the bathroom floor. I sobbed loudly, my body shaking with each sob. It hurt. Oh, hell, it hurt. My tears were dripping off my chin, wetting my shirt. The blood from my face and arms pooled out onto the floor.

I was probably sitting on bits of mirror, but I didn't care. I couldn't.

And that's how Charlie found me, six hours later. Sitting on the floor, salty tears dried on my face, still spilling out every so often. Dried blood on my top, me and the floor. A cold, lost shadow of what I was and never would be again.

**_A/N: So what do you think?!! I know... sorta morbid and dramatic... But that's me. Please review! I love thoughts!!! _**

**_I apologise for any spelling/grammatical mistakes. I don't have a beta and I try to do the best I can._**

**_I'm on my knees, PLEASE review!! =)_**


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